TOEFL Ders Notları_11

ESSAY 11

SORU:

In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.

Bazı ülkelerde gençler henüz öğrenci iken aynı zamanda iş sahibidirler, çalışırlar. Sizce bu iyi bir fikir midir? Spesifik sebepler ve detaylar kullanarak görüşünüzü destekleyiniz.

Humans needed to just eating , when they were created.People had developing themselves and their needs have increasing with the passing years.After years , They had found money and a big change in people’s life was started in b.c. 700 .People joined a job or found a new work for earning money.Todays, If somebody is unemployed , this person can’t survive in the world.They can’t send their children to school.Likewise, students need to money for buying something ,improving themselves and having education.It is widely believed that this can be possible with geting a job.Students should work part-time while studying for several reasons.They are practical experience, financial lives and efficient education. Foremost, getting a job develops people’s practical experience.People can be closer their working environment.When they graduate their universities ,they can adapt this environment easily and effectively.Moreover ,people can catch better job opportunities
because big companies employ experienced people.This is essential advantage in work life.Sometimes, experienced can be more important priority than education for businessmen.
Second of all,having a job supports people’s financial lives positively.Students have a lot of expenses such as education and daily expenses.To illustrate, students have to buy different books each year and they use public transporter.Therefore they need to money for education.On the side, students should have financial independence for their future.By this means, people can obtain their resposibilities and they don’t have to want money from their parents. Ultimately,for have a good education and to be stand on one’s own feet people people can work while studying.This really effects people lives positively forever.Somebody further claim that working part-time has adverse effect on student’s academic performance.Maybe sometimes this can cause fatigue.They might have a point, and yet students should develope time management skills.If people are free ,they can’t use their time effectively.They have to make a plan for more succesful business life.
In coclusion, working at a job is improving people who are going school.This is a good way for people join real life and see realities.They can’t be support by their parents everytime.If this need to be illuminate , students should take responsibilities.

DEĞERLENDİRME:
Humans needed to just eating (eat), when they were created. People had developing (had developed/had been developing) themselves, and their needs have increasing (have increased/have been increasing) with the passing years (bu cümledeki en önemli sorun past perfect ve present perfect in beraber kullanılması. Tense bozacaksan but bağlacı kullanabilirdin, tabi anlama da dikkat ederek). After years,they had found money, and a big change in people’s life wasstarted (started) in b.c. 700 (700 B.C.) . People joined a job or found a new work for earning money (gereksiz anlam tekrarı: they found jobs to earn money gibi bir cümleyle kısaltabilirsin ancak for ve to kullanımında hataya dikkat) . Todays (Today,/Nowadays, ya da hiç kullanma) if somebody is unemployed , this person (a person who is unemployed/an unemployed person) can’t (cannot) survive in the world. They can’t send their (önceki cümlede somebody/a person var: he ya da she olabilir) children to school. Likewise, students need to money for buying (bakınız: to vs for) something, improving themselves, and having access to education. It is widely believed that this can be possible with (by) geting a job. Students should work part-time while studying for several reasons.They are practical experience, financial lives and efficient education (paralel yapılarda hepsi uyumlu olmalı: Students should work part-time while studying for several reasons, including practical experience, financial lives and efficient education) .
Foremost (First and foremost/Firstly), getting a job develops people’s practical experience. People can be closer to their working environment.When they graduate from their universities, they can adapt to this environment easily and effectively. Moreover, people can catch (fırsat yakalamak türkilizce olmuş farklı fiil lazım) better job opportunities because big companies employ experienced people. This is an essential advantage in work life. Sometimes, experienced (experience) can be a more important priority than education for businessmen.

Second of all (Second, / Secondly, ), having a job supports people’s financial lives positively. Students have a lot of expenses such as education and daily expenses.To illustrate, students have to buy different books each year and they use public transporter (transport/transportation). Therefore, they need to money (need money) for education. On the side (?On the other hand mi demek istedin?), students should have financial independence for their future. By this means, people can obtain their resposibilities and they don’t (do not)have to want money from their parents.
Ultimately, for have (bakınız: to vs for) a good education and to be stand (for have ve to be stand uyumlu olmak zorunda yani ya ikisi de for ya da ikisi de to) on one’s own feet people people can (?should?) work while studying. This really affects people‘s (their) lives positively forever. Somebody further claim that (It can also be claimed that) working part-time has adverse effect (an adverse effect /adverse effects) on student’s academic performance. Maybe sometimes (gereksiz) this can cause fatigue.They might have a point, and yet students should develop time management skills. If people are free, they can’t (cannot) use their time effectively. They have to make a plan for more succesful business life.

In conclusion, working at a job is improving people who are going school (students). This is a good way for people to join real life and see realities. They can’t be supported by their parents everytime (all the time/forever). If this need to be illuminate (anlam ifade etmiyor, daha basit yazabilirdin), students should take responsibilities.
KELİME SAYISI: 347
GENEL DEĞERLENDİRME:
Kelime sayısı iyi ancak dağılımını daha iyi ayarlayabilirdin, hatta daha kısa da yazabilirsin. Giriş paragrafın gereğinden uzun olmuş. Genellikle 3-4 cümle yeterlidir. Bunun yerine gelişme paragraflarını daha iyi destekleyebilirdin ve daha çok örnek verebilirdin. Thesis cümlen daha güçlü olabilirdi. Thesis cümle tekniklerini öğrenmen yararına olur. Paragraflar arasında ve cümle aralarında anlam geçişlerini sağlayan bağlaçlara çalışmanı öneririm (TRANSITIONS). Virgüllere ve büyük harf kullanımına dikkat etmen gerekir zira punctuation hatalarından puan kaybedersin. Noktadan sonra boşluk koymayı unutma, virgülden sonra büyük harfle başlama. Tense kullanımlarına ayrıca özen göstermen lazım (özellikle past ve present perfect). People kelimesini çok tekrarlamışsın (most-most of konusuna bakabilirsin). Kısaltma kullanma (don’t gibi) ve paragrafların arasında ya boşluk bırak ya da satır başı yap. 3. gelişme paragrafında karşı görüşe yer vermişsin ama karşı görüşü çürütmemişsin. Essay yapını iyileştirebilirsen ve basit hatalarını düzeltirsen rahatlıkla 24+ alabilirsin.