TOEFL Ders Notları-6

ESSAY 6

SORU:

When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success.” Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.

“İnsanların başarılı olma sebepleri sıkı çalışmadır/alın teridir. Bunun şansla bir ilgisi yoktur. ” görüşüne katılıyor musunuz? Spesifik sebepler ve örnekler kullanarak cevabınızı açıklayınız.

In today’s world most of the university students cope with find job when they graduated from university. Students believe finding a job is more related with your luck but actually it’s not. When companies hire people for job, they search your past and look your personality.
Firstly most of the agency looks your university. In addition to your university your department is also have to related with your applied job. If you don’t have any idea about law you cannot expect to become lawyer. But in some situations your department is not so important for company. For instance one of my friend applied a job in Mc. Donald’s as a call center person. First they react surprise because his department was about computer science but when these people checked my friend university they hired him as soon as possible since he graduated from Yale University. We can infer from this example university is on of the property for your business success.
Another fact is, you don’t know any person in your business life which can you make a good position. But you are so good at your job. Because of you don’t know any person who can give or make you a chance you, some people from outside and maybe he less know his job from you can take your place. You can ask your self why boss hired him instead of me. The truth is he can be a family member and boss trusted him since he knows him all. For example my father gave me a higher position in our company and the guys who graduated from university was ordered to listen me. That was an awful situation for them because I was still attending a university and they were working for my dad more then 5 years. Being a family member is kicking out your luck.
To sum up, luck is not making a chance to being successful. Your university and family members are provide you a better and more successful life. In addition to that I’m still attending university and I still have position in our company.
DEĞERLENDİRME:
In today’s world most of the (most) university students cope with find jobs when they graduated from university (graduate from university veya sadece graduate). Students believe that finding a job is more related with your luck , but actually it’s not. When companies hire people for job (hire people for work veya sadece hire people), they search your (their) past and look at your personality.
Firstly most of the agency looks (most agencies look) your university. In addition to your university , your department is also have to related with your applied job (cümleyi baştan yazman iyi olur ancak is also have gibi basit hatalara dikkat et). If you don’t (kısaltma kullanmamaya çalış: do not) have any idea about law , you cannot expect to become a lawyer. But (konuşurken olabilir ama yazarken but bağlacını cümle başında ve tek cümle için kullanma: svo , but svo ) in some situations your department is not so important for company. For instance , one of my friend (one of my friends/a friend of mine/ my friend) applied for a job in Mc. Donald’s as a call center person. First they react surprise because his department was about computer science but when these people checked my friend university they hired him as soon as possible since he graduated from Yale University (cümleyi daha az bağlaçla ve daha basit kurabilirsin). We can infer from this example that university is one of the property (properties) for your business success.
Another fact is, (virgül olmaz: Another fact is that veya sadece Secondly, …) you don’t (kısaltma kullanmamaya çalış: do not) know any person in your business life which can you make a good position. But you are so good at your job. Because of you don’t know any person who can give or make you a chance you, some people from outside and maybe he less know his job from you can take your place. You can ask your self why boss hired him instead of me. The truth is he can be a family member and boss trusted him since he knows him all (1-2 cümleyle anlatabileceğin bir fikri uzattıkça uzatmışsın ayrıca çok fazla basit hata var) . For example my father gave me a higher position in our company and the guys (informal olmuş: employees/workers) who graduated from university was ordered to listen to me. That was an awful situation for them because I was still attending a (gereksiz) university and they were working (have been working) for my dad more then (for more than/over) 5 years. Being a family member is kicking out (uydurma) your luck.
To sum up, luck is not making a chance to being successful. Your university and family members are provide you a better and more successful life. In addition to that I’m still attending university and I still have position in our company. (basit hatalarını bir kenara bırakacak olursak en en önemli hatan girişte bize geçmiş ve kişilik üzerinde duracağını söyledikten sonra sonuç paragrafında bu fikrini üniversite ve ailene çevirmen olmuş. Unutma tez cümlenle gelişme paragrafların ve sonuç paragrafın tutarlı olmak zorunda!)
KELİME SAYISI: 351
GENEL DEĞERLENDİRME:
Konu şansın başarıdaki payı ancak sen iş bulma konusunda yazmışsın gibi duruyor. Başarının özellikle iş dünyasında önemli olduğunu ancak iş dünyasında başarılı olabilmeleri için öncelikle iş bulabilmeleri gerektiğini ve bunun şanstan çok geçmişleri ve kişilikleri ile ilgili olduğunu söyleyebilirsin. Sonuç kısmında iki konuyu bağlamışsın gibi duruyor ancak giriş paragrafında da yukarıdaki mantıklı bir geçişle ne hakkında yazacağını belirtmen lazım. Bağlaçların ve bağlaçlarla birlikte virgül kullanımına çalış. Paragraflarını nasıl oluşturacağını ve birbirlerine nasıl bağlayacağını planlama aşamasında yapman şarttır. Yazarken bunları düşünürsen bol bol basit hatalar yaparsın. Ayrıca yazarken sadece yazdığın cümleye odaklan. O cümleyi hatasız yazmaya çalış. Bitince bir sonraki cümleyi sebep-sonuç-tarif-açıklama-öneri-örnek cümlelerinden hangisiyle kuracağını planlamandan kontrol et ve sadece 2. cümlene odaklan. Türkçe fikirlerinin içine İngilizce kelimeleri yapıştırmak hataya yol açar. Bunun yerine İngilizce kelime bilgine Türkçe fikirlerini uyarla. Bunu yapabilmenin yolları kitapta detaylı olarak anlatılmaktadır. Daha az ve hatasız yazman ise diğer bir yoldur. Unutma ne kadar uzatırsan o kadar hata yapma riski artar.