TOEFL Ders Notları-3

ESSAY 3

SORU:

Some people think that the family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. Which view do you agree with? Use examples to support your position.

Bazı insanlar, genç yetişkinlerdeki en önemli etkiyi ailenin yaptığını düşünürler. Diğerleri de arkadaşlarının en önemli etkiye sahip olduklarını düşünürler. Hangi görüşe katılıyorsunuz. Spesifik sebepler ve örnekler kullanarak cevabınızı açıklayınız.

While I was walking in Central Park my father gave me an important advice to me and he said that ” My son your selection about your friends is most important point for your educational life succes.Your frıends impacts are more crucial than your family”.After that educational words I thought about my father advice and I think I had a same idea with my father. Person friends impacts can be seen person mental condition , person social life activate level and person school life succes.
On the one hand,ın today world people spend their times with their enviorement more than thier families..Everyone has a social life and everyone in connectivity their social lives.Old people spend their time in their jobs , off course students spend their times in their schools. Student always keep in touch with their friends.In these conditions generally people share their prolems with their enviroment. Solution of these kinds of problems interested about people’s enviroment.If person has a problem with frıend he/ she always keeps own problem inside and this situaition show its affect in person school life success.Most probably person will live in depression and his/her success will reduce piece by piece.
Besides, ın contemporary world we have a lot of addicted people and generally these addicted people live in school and their age avarage is highly lower.Addiction problem is the most important problem for us.If person has perilous frıendships and person frıends have got these kinds of dangerous or harmfull stuff (drug,meth,alcohol,illegal cigarettes) ina short time these kinds of bad behavıours transmission to person.In my oppinion, under the addiction condition we cant talk about educational life success.
Finally ,we can face to face wrong frıenship our life but ıf weknow and understand the dangerous we can protect by ourselves.İt is the most important point using our brains and noticing the every skew.I will always consider my fathers advice in my life and I really believe the enviorement which person has got can determine person schoollife standart level. My father always say to me these words”My son your selection about your frıends like bridge between you and your next life quality.If you have solid foundation nobody cant hurt your bridge and you always see good opportunities and events in your life.”
DEĞERLENDİRME:
While I was walking in Central Park my father gave me an important advice to me (zaten gave me demişsin tekrar to me demene gerek yok) and he said that ” My son , your selection about your friends is most important point for your educational life success. (herhalde türkçe ”eğitim hayatındaki başarı” diye düşünüp ingilizceye bunları aynı sırayla koyarsam olur dedin ex: success in your educational life Ya da educational success olabilir) Your frıend‘s impacts are more crucial than your that of your family‘s’‘. After that educational words , ( 1-that-words olmaz those words olur. – uyuma dikkat – 2- educational türkilizce olmuş onun yerine important ya da inspiring olabilir) I thought about my father‘s advice and I think (iki fiilie dikkat – zaman uyumuna dikkat – ) I had a (the olur)same idea with my father. Person friends impacts can be seen person mental condition , person social life activate level and person school life succes. (türkçe düşünüp yanyana koymuşsun. Kitaptaki kalıplardan uzaklaşmadan basit ve doğru formatta essay cümleni oluştur.)
On the one hand, ın today world (gereksiz) people spend their timeswith (türkilizce) their enviorement (türkilizce) more than thier families. Everyone has a social life and everyone in connectivity (?) their social lives. Old people spend their time in their jobs , off course (of course) students spend their times in their schools. (bir virgülle 2 cümleyi bağlayamazsın. araya and koyarsan olur) Student always keep (isim-fiil arasındaki - uyuma dikkat – ) in touch with their friends. In these conditions generally people share their prolems with their enviroment. Solution of these kinds of problems interested about people’s enviroment. ( türkçe düşünüp yanyana koymuşsun.) If person (a person / an individial / one / people olur) has a problem with frıend , he/ she ( seç birini ) always keeps his own problem inside and this situaition show its affect in person (his – uyuma dikkat – ) school life success. Most probably person (a person / an individial / one / people olur) will live in depression and his/her success will reduce piece by piece.
Besides, ın contemporary world (gereksiz) we have a lot of addicted people and generally these addicted people live in school and their age avarage is highly (gereksiz) lower (low). Addiction problem is the most important problem for us (people? Students?). If person has perivous frıendships and person‘s frıends have got these kinds of dangerous or harmfull stuff (drug,meth,alcohol,illegal cigarettes) , in a short time these kinds of bad behavıours transmission to person ( fiil yok! Cümle olması için transmission ı fiile çevirmen lazım ama asıl sorun türkilizce olması) In my oppinion, under the addiction condition , we cant (cannot) talk about educational life success.
Finally ,we can face to face wrong frıenship our life ( türkçe düşünüp yanyana koymuşsun.) but ıf we know and understand the dangerous (the dangers), we can protect by (gereksiz) ourselves. İt is the most important point using our brains and noticing the every skew. I will always consider my father‘s advice in my life and I really believe the enviorement which person has got can determine person schoollife standart level. My father always say to me these words”My son your selection about your frıends like bridge between you and your next life quality.If you have solid foundation nobody cant hurt your bridge and you always see good opportunities and events in your life.” (zaten bir tane alıntıyı girişte kullanmıştın. Gereksiz tekrar)
KELİME SAYISI: 373
GENEL DEĞERLENDİRME:
Kelime sayısı çok fazla olmuş. Sınavda verilen sürede bu kadar uzun bir essay yazamayabilirsin. Genel kabul gören hedef 300-350 arasında bir sayıdır. Tez cümlesi oluşturma üzerinde biraz daha çalışman gerekiyor. Bu arada hikaye ile giriş yapman iyi bir strateji. Doğru kurgulandığında, hikaye girişi genel cümle-soru cümlesi-tez cümlesi arasındaki bağı daha akıcı kılar. Conclusion paragrafına Finally ile başlama zira finally son sıralama için kullanılır. Conclusion için basit bir kalıp (In conclusion, … veya To sum up, …. gibi) kullanaman yeterlidir. Sonuç paragrafında yeni fikirler / sebepler sunma. Ancak gelişmede verdiğin sebepler/avantajlar ile ilgili yorum/sonuç/hatırlatma cümlesi yazabilirsin. Puanına mal olacak hata ise sonuç bölümünü kopyalamış olman. Olanı tekrarla ama kopyalayarak değil tabi. Senin de gördüğün gibi en büyük hatan Türkçe düşünüp İngilizce yan yana getirmek